Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
