I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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