i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
