ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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