Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
