I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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