I can text with my tongue
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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