She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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