I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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