I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
