I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
