I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
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I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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