i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
