Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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