i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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