i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
