It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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