some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
