so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
