Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
