I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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