I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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