dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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