Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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