You can't special order awesome
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
