He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
cat food counts as protein by the way
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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