this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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