At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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