I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
