I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
