Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
