she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
