I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
