I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You took a bar mat shot.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
