i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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