Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
