Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
