Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
