I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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