the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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