I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Randomize
