my sisters under your porch take her home
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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