Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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