I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
being pregnant is like rehab
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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