So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
