Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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