yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
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There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
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it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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