so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
