when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
