I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Two words: nipple clamps
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