I want to have your abortion
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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