I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
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There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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