I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
