I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
