After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
where are my eyebrows?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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