I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
why do cheetos always look like penises
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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