it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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